Anxious but Attached By Rachel Moniz

There were so many wishes on who I was meant to become

Two parents, three siblings

Too many footsteps I have yet to fill

I walked fast and I walked far,

Until I could only count 4 pairs

I watched our house break apart in constant loops

Mistakes had been made and I had only watched.

And watched.

And watched.

Hidden in the corners, scared to be seen.

To locked doors and muffled tears

Brother knocking on my door and leaving again

There were enough problems without me there

An older gay brother

An anxious hated sister

A rebellious punk brother

Where did I fall?

Too young to be heard, too behaved to be seen

A trio of misfortune with a fool at their heels

But who would I be without their kisses at my cheek?

“I just wished we could talk about boys instead”

My mother loves me but sometimes it's hard to tell

As if my brothers queerness was the only thing she could handle

A male one was bad

But a woman one was worse

“You being gay now is easy, being an ally then was worse”

As if you aren’t denied everyday

As if you can feel the stares of an empty room

Can you feel my shame?

Family keeps each other close

Despite rotting vines spreading towards the young fruits

Confusion and disgust

At him

But mostly yourself

Grown men scream

Lesbian in your face

What is that word?

Laughing is the only shield you can have

Seven year olds don’t have self respect

Your grandma says your mother is sad

Your so sweet grandma

Be thankful

Be grateful

Let her be sad

Because you aren’t allowed

My sister was gorgeous

Skinny and pretty

She hated herself

My idol and my ideal

I was ugly and stout

When I hated myself, the world agreed

My queerness questioned by family and friends

Disbelief, as if my being were a giant prank

Sometimes I only felt like one giant label

Easily taken away from those in reach

But when I kissed a girl I realized,

This feeling was more than my blood and bones.

My father never knew the woman in his house

He knew the child

The princess

Perhaps it was better the rainbows were left out

There was more room for music